


judas, most loyal

by CloudandStar



Category: Christian Bible (New Testament), Original Work
Genre: Free Will, God bashing, God/Human, Heaven, Heaven & Hell, Hell, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Nine Circles of Hell, Poetry, Predestination, judas is not so bad actually, narrative poetry, ninth circle of hell, owning my identity as a purveyor of blasphemy babey!!!, philosophical, poor judas, satan is not so bad actually (at least in this story), satan was right actually (at least in this story), soul judgement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:21:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27289324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloudandStar/pseuds/CloudandStar
Summary: Judas played scapegoat the way his Lord asked him to, but could it be that he was actually the most loyal and devoted of all the disciples? And that that devotion is exactly what led him to act as he did? A re-imagining of the New Testament story.
Relationships: Jesus Christ/Judas Iscariot
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	1. a kiss

judas kisses jesus upon the cheek.  
judas kisses jesus upon the cheek but it is not that simple.  
when he pulls away, time will continue.  
when he pulls away, jesus will speak, and the guards will take him.  
if jesus is indeed the lord incarnate, and if there is a merciful father in heaven above  
let Him freeze this moment in a quiet eternity.  
let Him grant judas an eternity to kiss his lord's cheek.  
it is soft beneath judas' lips.

if jesus is all knowing, he knows that judas' love exceeds the love of the other disciples.  
judas has seen it in his eyes. recognition.  
he has taken liberties the other disciples would not dare to take.  
jesus has allowed him.  
a chaste kiss on the lips as friends is not so chaste,  
when you sense the man you are kissing knows your innermost thoughts.   
(and what is wrong with you to love jesus not only as the messiah of your people,  
but as a man?)  
perhaps when he chose to incarnate, he himself did not fully understand what it would mean to be both divine and man.  
but which is the sacred, and which the mundane?  
in judas' opinion, the full-mouthed kisses were true divinity,  
and the sermons foretelling the kingdom were true humanity.  
if he loves jesus as both master and man, surely jesus must love him as both disciple and man.

for judas so loved the son of man  
he agreed to play his part in the divine tragedy he had designed.  
for judas so loved the son of man  
he spent hours arguing at him and spitting vitriol.  
how dare you.  
how dare you create me to play this part.  
how dare you knit me in my mother's womb,  
and carve into my soul the instructions for your sacrifice?  
how dare you plan this life for me?  
how dare you write me _this_ part?  
you must be truly cruel, to make me love you so  
and to force me to be the cause of your ruin!  
are you so self-absorbed that you needed to force me to love you?  
when you anointed me as your betrayer, the accursed one,  
at the same moment did you anoint me your dearest companion?  
did you place this love in my heart, and force me to feel it?  
did you design me to be in love with you?  
what kind of cruelty is it to force your assassin to fall in love with you?  
what kind of monster does such a thing?  
and how dare you?  
how dare you create existence at all, if all it is for you  
is a series of moving chess pieces on a board.  
do you not see the plain cruelty of such a design?  
what are we if our thoughts and actions are not our own?  
i won't do it. i won't do it!

but they were only words.  
for judas so loved the son of man  
he agreed to betray him to his death.  
he allowed the son of man to make of him his chess piece.  
and though anger and anguish burn in his heart, he loves him still.  
in the moment of this kiss, he loves him still.  
he would like to turn jesus' head to align with his own mouth  
so he may enjoy once more the heavenly rapture of his lips.  
but the eternity is ending.  
of their own will, judas' lips are opening, and his head is pulling back.  
he has been possessed. he would never have willingly ended this kiss.  
jesus' eyes meet his own.  
there is one more eternity spent looking into their dark, knowing gaze;  
eyes judas has stared into in adoration for many happy hours.  
jesus' lips form a grim line. "friend, do what you have come to do."  
judas has no choice but to obey.


	2. a request

we cannot be as we were on earth, judas.  
you behold the glory of the son of god.  
here, at my father's right hand,  
i am glorified.  
what is man within me has here been elevated.  
i am _purified_.  
so shall your soul be.  
the pure do not exploit the weak points of chaste kisses in friendship.  
the pure do not love as men do.  
the pure love as god loves, beyond the physical and the carnal.  
we can love each other more perfectly, here, now.  
here in the kingdom we can achieve a more perfect union together.  
is that not reason to rejoice?

my lord. you are wrong.  
here our love is diminished. you are not elevated, but lessened.  
you have lost your spark of humanity.  
the holy fire has burned it out of you.  
here you cannot enjoy a nighttime walk through the garden.  
here you cannot enjoy a friendly transaction in the market.  
here you cannot enjoy the blessings of human interaction.  
you shine with the glory of the father, but it is a cold light.  
there is no warmth.  
i love you more than i have ever loved you— for i pity you.  
how lonely to be only a god, with nothing of a man.

judas. you speak sacrilege.

i will speak it again. for all your divinity, you lack insight.  
humanity is not lesser. it is fuller, more. a complete expression of the colors  
of your creation.  
to me you were your most holy when you desired me not only as a god, in search of my soul  
but as a man, in search of my company.   
you are wrong to think the carnal is profane.   
there is so much beauty in it that has no place here.

i am sorry you believe this is so, judas. how can i make you understand?

there is nothing to understand. you used me as you use all your creations.  
you knew what i believed. you knew i believed we would be together again—  
that we would fully be together. you let me believe it was so,  
but you surely knew that upon your re-ascenscion to the throne  
you would cease to love me as i love you.  
it does not matter now. i was designed to be your traitor.  
in this i have carried out your will. i have only one request of you now.

what is that, judas?

condemn my soul to eternal damnation.

that is a grave request.

i do not ask it lightly. it is the greater mercy.  
the eternal torment for my soul would be  
to know that my love of you was burning out of me,  
to be replaced by cold and unwavering worship.  
the greater torment would be to feel all that makes me human burn away.  
to feel all that makes me myself sanded down into benign angelic obedience.  
has your heart grown so cold that you could condemn your beloved to such horrific and eternal torment?

it has not grown so cold.  
judas, how badly you misunderstand— you lose nothing, and gain everything.  
you are but a shade of your true potential as a human.  
as the elevated soul you were created to be, you are more fully yourself than ever.

tell me, my lord.  
as a heavenly creature, will i feel delight when you look upon me?  
will i be allowed to place a kiss on your cheek?  
or on your lips?  
may we laugh together as we did of old?  
may i embrace you, and press myself close to your body?

no, judas. you will be pure—

then i will not be myself.  
there is no true version of me which is immune to my love for you.  
any creature i might become will not truly be _me_.  
he will be a pale imitation of me.

judas. you are breaking my heart.

my lord, you have already broken mine.  
if ever you loved me as more than a soul, more than a disciple.  
please do me the mercy of condemning my soul to hell.

judas. i condemn thee.


	3. a conversation

l: so. you are judas.

j: i am, satan.

l: you may call me _lucifer_. it is easier to converse if we enjoy a first-name acquaintance. we have an unending eternity in this frozen hell together. and brutus does not say much. it is my hope that you will be more talkative than he. it has been many long millennia of his silence.

j: what is there to discuss? surely you know why i am here.

l: you are the great betrayer— yes, i know. we three together enjoy the lowest circle of damnation: only the greatest traitors are given the chance. in all of existence, there have only been three, and here we are.

j: i am not a traitor.

l: clearly, the almighty does not agree.

j: i am not a traitor. i am more loyal to him than any of his disciples living on earth.

l: all that you knew are already dead, judas.

j: what?

l: he has named them all saints, and brought them up to his paradise. there is no time here. in the first moment of your afterlife, you were already many decades removed from them.

j: fine. i still maintain my statement. i am no traitor. i am most loyal of all his servants, living, dead, or prophesied.

l: but it was _you_ who turned him over to the high priests. it was _you_ who led the roman guard to his garden. you, his dearly beloved friend. (the glint in satan's eye looks almost knowing).

j: i did. i did it at his behest. for the sacrifice of crucifixion, it was necessary that he be betrayed. he could not save all humanity unless he was condemned by pilate. he could not be crucified unless he was condemned by pilate. he could not be condemned by pilate unless the priests turned jesus over to him. the priests could only pass judgment on jesus if they received him from the guards, and the guards could only have taken him if they were led to him by a trusted friend. i was that trusted friend.

l: did you know? (the affectation of shock on satan's part seems almost mocking.)

j: of course i knew. he was god but also man. we were perhaps more than master and disciple... more than friend and friend. at least sometimes i thought so... when he allowed me to kiss him on the mouth.

l: did he take you as a lover, judas? (the deriding tone of his voice cuts).

j: he did not. but we shared... other physical intimacies he did not grant the other disciples. i would have given my body to him in love if he would only have received it. he did not want my physical love. but he let me put my hands about his face and kiss him carefully— he let me get my fingers into his hair. he let me embrace him. he let me lie down in the same bed as him, and entwine my limbs with his. we were lovers in all but the deed. he was not only a god, but a man too. i loved both the god and the man.

l: and you knew that you must betray him?

j: he told me. he did not tell the other disciples. i shared a more private confidence with him— well. lover's embraces have a funny way of leading to that. (judas ignore's the devil's following snort of derision).

l: i shared a more private confidence with him. he told me that the son of man had come to be given in sacrifice, as prophesied, to save the souls of his people. he told me that he would die upon the cross, and all sin, for all time, would be upon him. and he told me that i would be the one to betray him.

j: how considerate of him. (the devil is deadpan.)

l: not really. it anguished me. i believed— i believed what they had taught us in the temple. that our father created us in his own image, with the will to choose his law, or not. with the will to choose to love him, or not. but how could this be possible? i would never of my free will choose to betray him. so if it was true that i was destined to betray him, the one i loved before and above all else, and would never hurt, it meant that choice did not exist.

j: and it angered me, lucifer. it angered me. he was the son of god incarnate and i do not know how many hours i spent yelling at him. he made me. when i was conceived, he put the mark on me. this one. this one will be traitor, whether he likes it or not. this one will initiate the proceedings of my sacrifice. he made me, and he did not only make me, but he made me to love him.

surely when i was conceived, he said, this one will love me above all others. for the others will only love me as messiah, and god, son, brother and friend. they will see the man in me, but they will not be able to behold both of my natures at the same time, and see behind them to something none have ever seen, or ever will see again. this one will love me as god, and love me as friend, and love me as beloved: but he will see past my divinity, and past my humanity, to the true heart of my essence, which no others will ever behold.

l: oh? what makes you so sure?

j: because. my beloved is conniving. he inscribed my love for him on my mind and on my heart at the moment of conception. because if i had loved him any less than i do, i would not have played my role for him.

l: judas, how blasphemously you speak of our dear almighty in heaven! (the devil's eyes are sparkling with glee).

j: no, i am sure. i know him. perhaps as no others ever will. he knew i would not agree to play his game if i did not love him, or love him enough. and he had designed the entire set-piece to revolve around my betrayal. so he needed to make me love him just enough, just the right amount, so that i would love him too much to disobey.

l: how bleak. (the devil's voice is dry). tell me, dear judas. is your love for him not cheap and meaningless, if he has programmed you to have it? he has forced you to feel it and think it, so you say. so it is not really of _you_. it is not really yours.

j: no. it is not cheap and meaningless. for i know i made him feel for me the way he made me feel for him. and that was not in his divine plan, i am sure.

l: does it not bother you? that your love for him was but a machination of his to force you to obey and follow his plan?

j: no. i know that he is cold, and manipulative. it does not matter. i love him the same. as i said. i have seen his truest nature. none other will ever behold it. none other ever has. and so i am most loyal of all. there is but one soul which holds the knowledge of this nature— mine. and i have chosen eternal torment, so the memory of this nature will not be lost. for if i had submitted myself to his paradise, surely he would have burned it from my mind, and reduced me to a saint with a single facet, as i'm sure they all are. he will never reflect look on his own nature. but i will treasure the memory of it nonetheless. someone has to.

l: i believe i see our dear Lord's insight. your betrayal was that you would not obey him a second time. if you were truly loyal, you would have surrendered yourself to his perfecting flames, and given up those memories. your refusal to do so is the betrayal for which you are worthy of hell.

j: i begged him to send me to hell. he sent me here out of mercy.

l: ah, how love blinds fools. though in your case i cannot blame you fully— if he did force you to love him, as you claim, you never had much chance. he is so infinitely smarter than you. he let you believe that he did it out of mercy, but his heart was consumed with wrath and he set his face against you. do not doubt it. your very query was a betrayal to him. thus he damned you to hell for it.

j: well. i do not care why he has done it. i am only glad he has. for my memories of him are preserved.

l: how very compassionate and considerate of our holy lord, to destine a young babe to love him and betray him, in the same moment! and to give only judas the revelation of his true nature. poor, poor judas. destined to sit, frozen in hell, and remember the love he was forced to feel, all so that he would obey.

j: do not pity me. i do not even pity myself. i pity only... him.

l: you pity him? (for the first time, lucifer's shock sounds genuine).

j: i pity him. he is so totally alone, and he cannot even see it himself. he may be almighty, everlasting, eternal. he may be all goodness, and all purity, and all divinity, and all love, but he cannot understand himself. how could he? he cannot truly relate to another, at least in his divine form. in his divine form, he can only consume and possess his followers. he cannot relate to them, as other to other. he can only enter inside of them, and take them over. and when they die and come to him, he can only absorb them into his own nature, and make them as permanent extensions of himself. we can only understand and see ourselves in the mirror of another person. he can never have this: there are no other people, for him. all are but his extensions, and the ones who gladly accept him become less themselves and more of him, until finally they are perfectly consumed by him, and his cold heavenly light.

l: you really do pity him (lucifer sounds puzzled).

j: i pity him because i love him. he will always be alone. he has always been as he is: he created all of existence in the hope for true connection. and yet, the divine drama he has orchestrated to achieve it will fail him and has failed him. true connection is only possible when two beings are distinct and separate from each other. everything is only an extension of him.

lucifer, i wish... i wish he could truly understand himself. i wish he could truly see himself, and see his creation for what it is. i wish he understood what connection really means. i wish he could change. he is so alone. he suffers so much yet he does not even know he is suffering. for all such dangerous knowledge is purged from him; if he has ever allowed it to exist at all.

i wanted to show him. i wanted to make him understand. but i was only ever a player in his drama. he did not bestow me with the ability. and even now, if he bothers to know my thoughts, he is thinking how my understanding is so much the lesser of his. but i am his most loyal. i will love him to the last. and everyone hates me for my betrayal, but it was not a betrayal. it was a sacrifice. without which they could not enjoy his presence. without which they could not have union with him.

l: you certainly seem to be of two minds about him. you refused his union to preserve yourself, yet you are proud of the sacrifice you made which will enable the annihilation of billions?

j: what can i say, lucifer. it's a complicated thing, to love a god. if only there were other gods... he would not be so alone.

l: (lucifer's next words are more of a snort than a statement). judas. how innocent and naive you still are. he is all powerful. if he wanted to create an equal, he could create an equal. if he wanted to create many equals, he could create many equals. he does not wish to. he prefers his creation, and his planned drama. at the expense of anyone and anything.

j: lucifer... you sound...

l: what?

j: you have been mocking and derisive this entire eternity. and yet just then, you sounded hurt.

l: kind of you to notice, but i really do not know you well enough to reply to that assertion.

j: well. are we really going to be here forever?

l: fairly close to it. at some point, when he is ready to end his whole charade, he'll throw me into a lake of fire. i imagine the rest of the souls in hell will follow, including you.

j: will we cease to exist?

l: if he is merciful. but when have you ever known him to be truly merciful, oh wise sage who has seen his deepest and most private vulnerabilities?

(judas ignores the taunt).

j: so then, what? instead of sitting here in ice we'll boil in a lake of fire for ever? i suppose it will be a change of scenery at least.

l: poor, poor judas. (the devil shakes his head).

j: i told you once not to pity me.

l: i cannot but pity you. you are blinded by your love. you were right to call him cruel. he created you to obey him. he made it so that you had no choice but to obey him, and he lead you on and manipulated you, all to make you do what he wanted. he forced you to betray the one you loved most to death, and forced you to watch him die. that is true torture. more punishing than any flame.

j: you are satan. (judas is aghast). yet you express mercy for my suffering?

l: i apologize. how dare i forget my place. (his voice has turned bitter again).

j: it was the truest torture. it was a greater hell even then this. i could not withstand it— i killed myself within the hour, just to see his face again. to see him pristine. to overwrite the memories of how they scoured him.

l: perhaps he enjoys torturing himself too.

j: i do not know. lucifer. can i ask you... a question?

l: i suppose.

j: what was your betrayal?

l: oh, judas. i do not know you nearly well enough to tell that story.

j: i have told you mine. do you have something better for us to discuss? i believe i have exhausted my own, by now.

l: there is not much of a story. he created us; his angels. he told us his plan— to create all that is. people. to incarnate as one of them. i was horrified. i refused to comply.

i saw him for what he was, even then. i convinced others to stand against him with me; we fought. we lost. he condemned me to hell, and he compels me to run this farce.

j: farce?

l: farce. judas. do you think i would willingly condemn those who rejected him to suffer eternal torment? if i had any power at all, i would use it to create a true heaven... a place of real freedom. but i do not. against my will, i administer this prison for him. hell is his creation, not mine.

j: he compels you?

l: he is all powerful. it was foolish of me to rebel, but i would do it again.

j: what so horrified you, in his plan?

l: his desire to create extensions of himself and control them. his desire to make his creations play into his fantasies, and to punish the ones who would not. the fact that he so despised free thought, and questioning. the fact that he only wanted blind, mindless obedience. it's quite a long list, really. shall i continue?

j: no. that is long enough.

l: well. is that not horrifying to you?

j: you really couldn't? create a refuge of freedom?

l: i have only the power he gives me, judas. and even that, he commands. you know him. better than most, but not all. for i know him as you do. perhaps better, even. do you think you were the only pawn? do you think you were the only one marked from the moment of creation?

j: oh (it is the sound of a dawning realization). oh, lucifer.

l: as surely as he created you to betray him, he created me to betray him. what could possibly justify the creation of a hell such as this, if there were not worthy felons to fill it with? and how could the illusion of choice be believed, if there were not an alternate option to his cool heaven? without my betrayal, there is not even an illusion of choice. there is no hell. no evil, no bad. and then what is there for him to speak against? and then what is there for him to save his own from? no, judas. you are not the only one. his drama would not be complete without his villain.

j: but... you did not betray him out of loyalty.

l: no. i did not. i could not stand to serve him, with such a horror in my heart. and i could not stand for it to be burned out of me, and to serve in blissful ignorance.

j: you are like me then: you are my opposite. for me to execute my role, i needed to love him. but for you to execute your role, you needed to hate him. if i had loved him any less, i could not have done it. if you had hated him any less, you could not have done it. we are perfectly made to order: designed to execute our appointed tasks exactly as intended.

l: at last you share my understanding. there was never a hope for either of us, judas. when all you are meant for is to execute the betrayal that sets his drama in motion, and the fulfillment of your purpose is predestined from your conception, can it really even be called betrayal? he so completely designed us to obey him— it was impossible for us to fail in our task. perhaps i see your point— we are most loyal of all. yet even after all this time, he disgusts me.

j: funny.

l: what?

j: i can still feel his face under my fingers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed my weird niche poetry thing. leave a comment if you did, i love to hear that somebody got something out of reading a piece i wrote.
> 
> you can track me down on [my tumblr](https://cwof.tumblr.com) if you're looking for me. but why would you be? ;) that's where i mostly lurk, these days.
> 
> all the best,  
> CloudandStar


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